There is little to laugh

a typical Italian lady taking advantage of this period by cooking, playing sport indoor, reading, cleaning, and having a social life on the Internet (Spoletoonline)

Writing a humorous blog when around 900 people die every day in Italy is not easy. But this was born as a humorous blog and must continue to be such.

So let's have a laugh about… the Italians’ customs in time of quarantine.

In this period the Italians are divided into two categories: those who try to trick time by doing something and those who hate those who try to trick time by doing something.

Many Italians are rediscovering themselves as bakers, pastry chefs, children's storytellers, gymnastics teachers, writers and film critics. All the others - except for those who spend time sleeping, blessed are they who can - detest those who daily bakes bread, loaves, cakes and pastries. 

a typical Italian man taking advantage of this period by spleeping (Facciabuco)

They hate those who quote Gianni Rodani (a famous children’s book writer) - poor Rodari, he is so mentioned in this period that he will have escaped from the grave to make way for the thousands of new dead. They cannot stand the ones that film themselves putting their butt in the air to show how a beautiful butt can be sculpted - by the way, I am a follower of these more or less experienced gymnasts and I am getting a back to envy Jennifer Lopez. They’d rather get rid of those who try to keep the line of their lives by writing everything, from little thoughts to novels made up of 3 volumes of 1000 pages each or those who have seen so many DVDs, Netflix series and pirated films to have become experts enough to deserve a place among the jury of the Golden Bear in Berlin.

a hater thinking about how to offend someone on the Internet (intellettualedissidente)

Dear haters, leave alone the poor Italians who pass the time, who dream. Let them dream because, 

returned to everyday life, put aside the yeast and the gym weights, they will detach from the pillow 

and the video to reattach themselves ... to the video, but in another way. 

Why, dear haters, are you angry with them? Maybe because you don't even know how to light a stove?

Cause you do not love to make exercise? Cause you sleep badly? 

Cause the only programs you watch on TV are the apocalyptic ones? 

Cause you don’t know how to hold the pen in your hand but only type poison using the PC keyboard?

Nobody deserves to be affected by the coronavirus. The elderly in nursing homes do not deserve it. 

Not the doctors and nurses who bend over backwards for us and who President Mattarella 

will certainly find a way to reward after the emergency. 

Not young people with a physique already weakened by other chronic diseases. 

Not those who are affected even though they are still young and strong. 

Only you, haters, would deserve to be hit. But not so much, just a little.

Prsidet Mattarella trying to find a polite way to offend th European community that is fucking of Italy (lebimbedimattarella)

What are we learning from coronavirus?

Boris Johnson's dog will not catch the coronavirus, so who cares of the virus? (il messaggero)

Provided that we are learning something, of course.

First of all, we are learning that each country faces the issue in its own way, according to its national spirit. The Chinese and the Koreans are barricaded at home, and in two months they have almost eradicated the virus. The Italians are trying to do the same and, considering that there have been 45 thousand complaints for non-compliance with the rules and that the Italians are sixty million, about 0.075 percent of the population is continuing to act as if nothing has happened. But it could be worse, it could be that all the Italian were acting as if nothing has happened. The Spaniards, the French and the Portuguese have chosen to follow the path we have taken, copying us, but, honestly, doing better. The Americans are buing massively individual protection weapons; to fight what, exactly, is not clear. The British go on with their traditional calm, which is a gentle way of saying that they fuck of the weakest. As we know, furthermore, the British love animals, and the virus does not catch animals, so they fuck twice. The Germans ... exactly how the Germans behave is still not clear.

America fighting the coronavirus according to Trump's method (la voce di new york)

And we, closed in our houses night and day, cooking, entertaining the children, cleaning the clean, we Italians respectful of the rules, what do we expect from the future? What are we learning from this experience?

That the step between thinking to be in trouble when you are not in trouble and having real troubles  is really short. 

 An Italian lady regretting the times when she complained about troubles that did not exist (medicinalive)

That a little brotherhood exists. Always and only in times of need (or when the Italian soccer team plays) but it exists. We will soon forget about it, as the generations immediately following those who had experienced the black plague, the cholera, the Spanish illness, or perhaps the same generations that had experienced them, a few years after the crisis, forgot about it.

That for once we are living as we should always: daily, without too much pretension, without making big plans.

That inactivity is good. At least for the planet, which is taking a breath of fresh air thanks to the decrease in exhaust emissions. Planet earth thanks.

That if Prime Minister Conte lengthens the cloistered period because of the idiots who cannot give up a walk, a jog, or fresh bread every day, when we get out of here, we will have several people to shot to death. 

The elderly who cannot give up walking will be the first ones I will kill after the quarantine (Vvox)

That, if we don't die of coronavirus, we will do it because of the radiation from the electrical appliances with which we are trying to maintain all our social contacts. Here, past the virus, we would all deserve a worldwide electrical blackout. God, please, start to think about it.

The pope is considering to ask to God to send us a worldwide electical blackout after the end of the coronavirus epidemic. Good idea, Francesco (tiscali notizie)

What happened to the Italian no-vaxes?

the epidemiologist Burioni says 'I told you so' (il dubbio)

The spread of the coronavirus in Italy is leaving us some certainties and generating several questions.

The first certainty is that this is not a simple influence, the mortality rate of around 7 percent shows this. This means that the most pessimistic and apocalyptic prediction among the forecasts of the Italian virologists, that of Burioni, who became a kind of Nostradamus of Italian epidemiology, has proved dramatically true. So, as Murphy teaches, if something has to go wrong it will do it: optimism is useless in general, included epidemics.

On the other hand, another certainty is that, by staying all at home, we can concretely limit the spread of the virus and the collapse of health system. This is a certainty we should all stick to. But no, the Italians are reluctant to laze around at home and there have never been so many people going out shopping, taking pets or running. Anyone who walks out without good reason can be fined: it will mean that, if I have to go to a supermarket farther than the tiny one next to my house to buy some underpants for my husband, I will do it running, so I won't risk fines.

me going to the supermarket to by some underpants for my husband (tpi)

In short, the hard part would not be so much to stay at home, entertain your children within the home, scold your elderly parents by threatening them to take them away the ability to understand if they are not indoor, if then we were sure that all the other people are really doing the same, when instead we have the feeling (a feeling that tends towards certainty) that they are not all doing it.

Among the questions brought by the coronavirus, then, there are two to which I would really like someone to answer.

What happened to the no-vaxes, all those who praised the parents' free choice not to vaccinate their children? And above all, what will they do if a vaccine for Co-vid 19 ever comes out? Will they appeal to ‘flock immunity’? Will they emigrate to Britain?

No vaxes emigrating to Britain (itLondra)

Another question: when (and if) Italy will emerge from the health crisis, how should we handle with those who come from countries where the same measures have not been taken? Would we welcome them in the name of the free trade of goods and peoples risking to neutralize the effort of Italian citizens or will we subject them to mass swabs as soon as they get on cars, buses, planes for the Bel Paese?

some Italians waiting for foreign visitors coming from coutries where extreme measures againts Covid-19 were not taken (esercito italiano)

Whatever the best choice is, the government has to start thinking about it. Hoping that the Italians are still there, when foreign visitors come and visit us.

landscape of Italy after the end of Co-vid 19 epidemic (fidelity viaggi)

#iostoacasa #epidemic #coronavirus #co-vid19 #england #britain #blockimmunity

How the Italians are facing quarantine

The attitudes of the Italians towards the virus can be compared to a mixed appetizers plate (Tripadvisor)

There is the sociopath happy with the situation, deeply in love with Netflix and the blanket. The hyperactive who is consuming exercise bikes and tapis roulant or going to run at night to keep the others' eye out. The suspicious one who, as soon as sees the second one leaving home, immediately calls the police.

A suspicious man about to report a night runner to the police (dreamstime)

The foresight with full fridge and cellar that nevertheless continues to stock up on supplies. Mothers who entertain children, whose energies are slowly fading and whose hair are whitening visibly. Fathers who are becoming obese on their sofas. Those who keep going around as if nothing had happened (usually they are elderly, the most exposed to the virus). In short, Italy is like a mixed appetizer plate.

An Italian coming back from the supermarket (tiscalimotori)

And then there are union, solidarity, brotherhood and sharing that, it is true, are born only in case of need or when we have to face a common external enemy, but in any case, they are there, at least.

Like what we see in this video of songs from my city, Siena, now viral more than the coronavirus and not the only example in Italy:  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/coronavirus-singing-italy-siena-lockdown_n_5e6b7f37c5b6747ef11b5f28?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_medium=facebook&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063&utm_source=main_fb&fbclid=IwAR39IijQPvfs3L8qlHTx99TpxkCjdVqLuQgTDpqtmrvRvIvyD5xYxUvTkKs&fbclid=IwAR1soPOopCHCdTN92xpM-36IHuOmmlJHX2lSpMO61dKoqkPCRNKstqRmW60&fbclid=IwAR10z_KX6cd04DeofR_520_mHdknwiZJCA0lqlCcugAk3cN6sFjUIluoEKk&guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZmFjZWJvb2suY29tLw&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAABgFZlOCIQL_w4jj88S0EWj7E755YPBxJxJuKf2O9GGXHeCg1Pq2mH-2BnOdse4IIDIVqL2VG87u0fxzciTgMNb9wiLYb6G7Uj0_QlfeEunHsbNKtnTLmHyu8AHcZaXzQ-r3z8PdW7lSfTK0KDdRt3kVaId56Xg71IWpg7Nx-cka

As far as I'm concerned, although it's difficult, I'm looking for positive sides in this story.

On a personal level I can say that:

- I finally managed to leave dried beans in whater six hours before cooking them;

- I have never had a house so clean that we could have picnics on the floor;

- my husband cut the grass in the garden;

- we have been more in the garden (usually cluttered with grass and infested with mosquitoes).

This is my garden before the quarantine (metallirari)

At national level I can say that:

- Italy is finally red (with the paradoxical situation that we have the support of a communist dictatorship, China, while Trump, president of the historic US allies, on the other side of the Atlantic makes tongue to us);

Italy is finally red (linkiesta)

- parents who never see their children can spend more time with them;

- smog has decreased (very true news, it's not a fake!).

Meanwhile, there are 21 days left until the end of the quarantine, hoping that it will be enough and the archbishop of Siena does something that is done in cases of serious and difficult situations, for example during the last world war: he puts the city under the protection of the Madonna. Mamma Mia.

The last hope of Italy (Paolo Tescione)

Knocking on Italy’s door

If you are knocking on Italy’s door, don't do it. It will not open to you. It is closed for quarantine.

Last night at 9.40 pm Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte informed us that, in order to fight the coronavirus infection more effectively, he decided to close all the shops, except for the essential ones - pharmacies and supermarkets. Right decision, I challenge you to find someone who disagrees.

But will the Italians really be able to stay at home without doing anything, sitting on the couch, for two weeks? I don’t know. I think it will be too challenging for us.

an Italian clearly stressed for the quarantine (maschioalfa)

I don't want to make the usual list of tips for things to do at home waiting for the reopening of the country, such as gardening, tidying the cellar, the garage, dusting over high furniture etc. I only allow myself one advice per category. 

dust I found on the closet during the quarantine (maxresdefault)

Women! Do you know that hair mask that you should keep on for at least fifteen minutes but you can't keep on for more than half a second before washing? Now you have the opportunity to make it act for fifteen days: don't waste it. 

Women, your hair will shine after fifteen days of mask (deabyday)

Men! Do you know when your wife tells you to cut the grass of the garden and you postpone and postpone and postpone until it reaches the height of the savannah? Now you have all the time to do it. Furthermore, if you show a little commitment to your wife, she will certainly leave you alone in front of the TV in the company of some beer for at least half an hour and will turn a blind eye to those filthy images that you send with friends on whatsapp chats and which you believe she does not notice but instead of course that she does. Because she is not stupid (she). 

Beers my husband bought to survive the quarantine (alamy)

Children! Do you know your parents who don't read stories or play with you or leave you for hours in front of the TV because they don't have time for you? Here they are now. Make good use of them.

An Italian dad taking care with enthusiasm of his son during the quarantine (the conversation)

Two weeks are few. Two weeks go by like quickly. My daughter seems to have been born for two weeks, but seven years have passed. My fear, in fact, is not that the Italians don't last two weeks at home, but that they get carried away and let seven years go by. 

supposed reaction of an Italian when the government will tell him that he can go back to work (supereva)

So, Italians, don't complain. And think about when everything will end and, after two days of work, you will complain that you have returned to life as usual. 

Meanwhile, if you really don't know how to pass the time, do as Alberto Sordi recommends in this video:

'While the world was fighting I was stuck in the cellar, alone, without light, without water, always wine, only wine'

'And did you leave when the war was over?'

'No. When I ran out of wine'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDcg3VClQUE

#coronavirus #italy #contagion #quarantine #giuseppeconte #thingstodo

An unstoppable desire to wonder around the country

The jellow zones are the ones where people are crying because of the stop of soccer matches. The orange ones the zones where somebody committed suicide because of the stop of soccer matches (tvnews)

That of the title, together with fever, chest pains and breathing difficulties, seems to be one of the main symptoms of coronavirus in Italy. Two days ago, in fact, declared the red zone in the Milan area, many people fled Milan to reach their relatives or their possessions in the South. They were not only off-site people living in the North, but also people from the North who have a house by the sea or in the countryside in the Center-South. One wonders if they are not the same ones who usually do not understand how people can escape from Africa and Asia affected by wars and famines. They don’t consider that they escape a virus they could defeat simply by staying at home! Oh no… it’s better to take advantage of the forced break by going on vacation. 

Italians escaping from Milan to the South (GDS.it)

The fact is that, whether because of their flight or not, Prime Minister Conte yesterday declared all of Italy an orange zone, which means that we can move only for reasons of work, health or extreme need. Cafes must close at 18.00. Masses, weddings and funerals are forbidden (Italian, don't die, please). And so on. 

An Italian family trying to convince an old man non to die because this is not the right moment (Ebay)

Most of the Italians try to respect the rules that the government of our country has given - and I like to think it is so, because, the rare times I get out my house, I don't find many people around and everyone stays away from me – like to wash your hands, stay two meters away, avoid crowded places, call the emergency number as soon as we feel suspicious symptoms, say hallo from far away to our grannies, who are most exposed to the virus. Among these there are the usual two or three unwary people who make aperitifs, leave for the beaches and go to rave parties. 

Some unwary Italians make an aperitif (Rassegne Italia)

And while the prisoners in the Italian cells protest and evade, while Central and Southern Italy wait for the invaders of the North with a rifle to impose their quarantine, while the first TV celebrities announce that the disease has chosen them, while there is even a stop to football games - the forced closure of supermarkets would not have caused such desperate reactions - it seems that a hundred countries in the world are affected by the coronavirus.

A southern Italian waiting for relatives from the North (Mondofox)

Meanwhile, in a small town in one of the regions of the European country apparently most affected, a mother tries to manage her anxiety and at the same time tries to manage a girl. Who plays by putting stuffed animals in improvised schools because she misses school. Who asks to go skating on an outdoor track far from the center because she wants to move. Who cries more than usual because she misses her friends. I would say: damned mindless greasers, that plague will really catch you! Instead I try to think of the few positive news: Giorgio Armani made a substantial donation to the Milanese hospitals, and soon after it turns out that Fedez and Chiara Ferragni - famous musician and bloggers in our country, I don't know if they are abroad, I hope for people that live abroad they are not - they did the same. News, the latter, which makes us understand that every living being, even the apparently the most useless one, has a role in the divine plan. Thank God.

The great designer Giorgio Armani donated

 a large sum of money to the Milanese hospitals (biografieonline)

The fashion blogger Chiara Ferragni and her husband, the musician Fedez, donated a large sum of money to the Milanese hospitals. Which means that even the most useless beeings ultimately serves something (photo by il Corriere)

#coronavirus #zonarossa #chiaraferragni #giorgio armani #iorestoacasa #clineteastwood #virus #coronavirus

The triumph of death

The thiumph of death (picture I took miself visiting the museum of Fine Art in Palermo)

I want to be honest, this time I chose a dramatic title just to take effect. Things are not yet that bad in Italy. Fortunately, the coronavirus is not a universally deadly virus, like the black plague, but they have in common the fact of being democratic and striking without considering the victim's political and religious beliefs. In addition to the Vatican, he also came to the Senate hall, for example, infecting more or less well-known Italian politicians. Like Nicola Zingaretti, secretary of the Democratic Party, and a policeman from the escort of Matteo Salvini, secretary of the Northern League.

Matteo Salvini excaping from a pork that he thinks has the coronavirus (lettera43)

There is very little to laugh about, unfortunately, thinking that the virus has been contracted by many nurses and that some have been hospitalized. Little to laugh about the fact that the cases have increased ten times in Germany in a week. Little to laugh about the thousands of people in cruise ships with holiday dreams gone up in smoke.

Meanwhile, the virus is advancing in Italy and with it the red zone that is extending from the Milan area to Emilia Romagna. There is nothing to do, we are surrounded, and we can do nothing but decrease social relationships. In short, these are ideal times for the asocial, misanthropic and socio-phobic.

A sociophobic celebrating these times (freepik)

Italians, stay at home. If you don't know how to spend the time, I give you some advice to kill the hours before the disease kills you. In fact, I promise that the advice of the next few days will focus on how to spend the forced imprisonment.

Here is, for example, a series of films whose viewing is highly recommended:

- All Disney cartoons (except Hercules, where the figure of Hades, God of death, is too present. Let's avoid it);

- All the good / optimistic films, taken from the good / optimistic books (Little Women, The Little Prince etc.);

- All Christmas movies (The Little Lord, Looks who is talking, Miracle on 34th Street etc.);

- Movies that deal with the theme of death, but in a fun way (Beetlejuice, Death becomes her, the Addams family etc.). 

Angelica Houston as Morticia Addams, a new point of reference for every woman these times (Pinterest)

- All movies with Jennifer Aniston (movies whose stupidity is capable of emptying anyone's brain).

Avoid like the plague (precisely) the following one:

- Catastrophic films (Outbrake, Blindness, Vulcan, Tremors etc.);

- Action movies (excite too much);

- Erotic movies (that make you come up with strange ideas right now that you have to keep the distance from your partner).  

Hard times for extreme sex (Donnamoderna)

Of course, family life can also be affected by forced enclosure. For example, my husband and I, after a few days spent twenty-four hours together with our daughter, if we survive we will most likely divorce. Let's also look at the positive sides. The newlyweds, or the older couples whose children have now left the nest, if they have already passed the maximum distance of one meter, could feed or rediscover the passion. Who knows.

An old couple stuck at home rediscovering the lost passion (Donnamoderna)

Meanwhile, tomorrow is women's day and Italian women will not celebrate in a pizzeria or looking at male striptease as usual. It doesn’t matter, the hangouts between women in a pizzeria are often snake nests and the male striptease of a disarming sadness.

And it is to be expected that the masses will also be deserted. Even the pope can do nothing but bend to the power of the virus and say the Angelus in live streaming. Come on Francesco, even if you don't let the faithful see you in the body, we trust in the power of prayer spread in the ether. And in any case, you are the only one left to whom we can afford. Amen.

Pope Francis fighting the virus with his optimism (of course, he is negative to the swab) (laprovinciacr)

#death #coronavirus #virus #matteosalvini #sex #womensday #popefrancesco #pope #milan #emiliaromagna